"Love is love." Why does Christianity say same-sex relationships are wrong?

Response

Few questions feel more personal today, and many people have been hurt by Christians who answered it with mockery or contempt. That was wrong; Jesus never treated anyone that way. But love also tells the truth, and on this the Bible is clear.

When Jesus was asked about marriage, he went back to creation: "Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'" (Matthew 19:4-5). Marriage isn't something people invented and can redefine. God designed it, and he designed us for it. Even our bodies tell the story: a man and a woman are made to fit together and, in that union, to bring new life into the world (Genesis 1:28).

The rest of the Bible, in both Testaments, says the same. "You must not lie with a man as with a woman" (Leviticus 18:22). Paul writes that men "abandoned natural relations with women and burned with lust for one another," and that women did likewise (Romans 1:26-27). Some say these passages only condemn abuse or exploitation, but Romans 1 describes mutual desire, and the word Paul uses in 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10 (arsenokoitai) is built from the very words of Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 in the Greek Old Testament. For two thousand years, Catholic, Orthodox and Protestant Christians have read these passages the same way. And though Jesus never used the word "homosexual," he defined marriage as male and female, and he named "sexual immorality" (porneia, a word that covers all sex outside marriage) among the things that come from the heart and defile us (Mark 7:21-23).

Why would God care? Because his commands are "for your own good" (Deuteronomy 10:13). Picture a dad at the pool who tells his son, "Don't dive into the shallow end." The boy thinks his dad just wants to spoil his fun. He tries it anyway, and nothing happens. It's fun, so he does it again, ten times. The eleventh time, he hits the bottom. The pool didn't punish him, and his dad never stopped loving him. He got hurt because the pool was made a certain way, and his dad could see what he couldn't. "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death" (Proverbs 14:12). God's design for sex isn't a cage. It comes from the one who made us and sees what we can't.

Saying no isn't the same as hating. A loving parent says no to things their child wants badly. Christians are called to love every person, and loving someone has never meant approving of everything they do. Real love tells the truth gently, and stays.

Notice, too, that the Bible doesn't single out gay people. The list in 1 Corinthians 6 also names the sexually immoral, adulterers, thieves, the greedy and drunkards. We all stand on the same ground, needing the same grace. Then Paul says, "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Corinthians 6:11). Temptation itself isn't sin: Jesus "was tempted in every way that we are, yet was without sin" (Hebrews 4:15). Many Christians who experience same-sex attraction follow Jesus faithfully, among them the writers Sam Allberry, Christopher Yuan and Rosaria Butterfield. And singleness isn't second best: Jesus and Paul were both single (1 Corinthians 7:7-8).

If you're wrestling with this, here are a few questions worth sitting with, honestly, before God:

• What if there's a better way than the one that seems right to me right now?
• What if God created me for more than I've been told, more than who I'm attracted to?
• What if his "no" is protecting a "yes" I haven't seen yet?
• What if my deepest longing, to be fully known and fully loved, was meant to be met first in him?

Following Jesus costs every one of us something. But he promises, "My yoke is easy and My burden is light" (Matthew 11:30), and he gives what no relationship can: forgiveness, a family and himself.

Key evidence

• Jesus defined marriage from creation: male and female, one flesh (Matthew 19:4-6; Genesis 2:24).
• Both Testaments forbid same-sex sexual relations (Leviticus 18:22; Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9; 1 Timothy 1:10).
• Paul's word arsenokoitai echoes the Greek Old Testament wording of Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13.
• Catholic, Orthodox and Protestant churches have held this teaching for two thousand years.
• The Bible lists sexual sin alongside greed, drunkenness and theft, and offers the same forgiveness for all (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).
• Temptation is not sin (Hebrews 4:15).

Bible passages

• Genesis 2:24 A man and his wife become one flesh.
• Matthew 19:4-6 Jesus on marriage from the beginning.
• Romans 1:26-27 Exchanging natural relations.
• 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 "And that is what some of you were."
• Deuteronomy 10:13 God's commands are for our good.
• Psalm 139:13-14 Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Discussion questions

1. Why do you think Jesus answered a question about marriage by going back to creation?
2. How can you love someone deeply and still disagree with them?
3. What does 1 Corinthians 6:11 say about everyone's need for grace?
4. What might God be offering in his design for sexuality that we can't see yet?

Sources & further reading

• Sam Allberry, Is God Anti-Gay? (The Good Book Company, 2013)
• Christopher Yuan, Holy Sexuality and the Gospel (Multnomah, 2018)
• Rosaria Champagne Butterfield, The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert (Crown & Covenant, 2012)

Related questions

• Jesus said not to judge.
• Christians pick and choose which Bible laws to follow (shellfish, mixed fabrics…).
• The church is full of hypocrites.
• The Bible is sexist and treats women as inferior.